And I just didn’t want to see it?”
Ellie crushed out the cigarette. Took another one but didn’t light it. Just rolled it between her fingers.
“After that it got worse. They realized I wasn’t going anywhere. That I’d endure anything. So they started pushing further.”
“They came whenever they wanted. Did whatever they wanted. Sometimes all three, sometimes one at a time.”
“Victor watched. Sometimes he filmed it, said it was for the memories. I stopped being a person. I became an object. A toy.”
“Mike used to say, ‘Victor’s got a color TV, an imported stereo, and a woman everybody gets to use. Man’s living high.’ They all laughed.”
“At work I moved around like a ghost. My supervisor asked what was wrong, why I looked so pale. I told him I was fine. Just tired.”
“A woman I worked with—Katie—noticed bruises on my arms and asked who was hitting me. I told her I’d bumped into something. She didn’t believe me, but she let it go.”
“Everybody has their own troubles. Nobody has much room for someone else’s. I thought about dying every day. Thought about how to do it.”
“I started saving pills. A doctor gave them to me when I went in and said I couldn’t sleep.”
“He looked at me for a long time and asked, ‘Is someone hurting you?’ I shook my head.”
“He sighed and wrote the prescription. Said, ‘If you need help, come back.’ I kept the pills.”
“I thought when I had enough, I’d take them all at once. Fall asleep and not wake up. But then I changed my mind.”
“I realized that wasn’t right. Why should I die? I hadn’t done anything wrong.”
“They were the ones at fault. Victor, Steve, Kyle, Mike. They should answer for it, not me.”
“So I started planning.” Simmons looked at Ellie with a strange expression. I know I did too.
This slight young woman with the blank eyes was describing things that turned your blood cold. And the worst part was, I believed her. Every word.
“When did you start planning?” Simmons asked. Ellie finally lit the cigarette she’d been turning in her fingers.
“Two weeks ago. Something happened that made me understand it was over. Either them or me.”
“What happened?” “All four of them came over. Victor, Steve, Kyle, Mike.”
“They brought five bottles of hard liquor and two boxes of cheap wine. Said they were celebrating. I asked what.”
“Steve said, ‘Just celebrating life. We’re alive, aren’t we?’ Then he laughed.”
“They got drunk fast. Maybe forty minutes. Then they started in on me.”
“But this time it wasn’t like before. Before, they were at least somewhat in control. This time they were animals. Real animals.”
“They beat me. Badly. Mike broke two fingers on my hand.”
“These.” Ellie held up the pinky and ring finger on her left hand. “They healed crooked. See?”
“Then they…” Ellie stopped. Shook her head.
“It doesn’t matter exactly what they did. What matters is that when I came to the next morning, I was lying on the floor in the hallway.”
“Naked. Beaten. Covered in blood and bruises. And they were asleep in the living room, on the couch and the floor, snoring like they’d had a fine evening.”
“I got up. Barely got up. Went to the bathroom. Looked at myself in the mirror and didn’t recognize the face there.”
“It wasn’t my face. Swollen, blue, split lip. One eye nearly shut, hair torn out in places.”
“Finger marks on my neck. Bite marks. Bruises. I looked at myself and thought: this is the end.”
“If I don’t do something, they’re going to kill me. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but they’ll kill me. One night they’ll just go too far.”
“And that’s when I decided. If somebody was going to die, it wasn’t going to be me. They were going to pay for what they’d done.”
Ellie took a drag and blew smoke toward the ceiling. “So I started planning. Every day I thought about how to do it. I went through options.”
“I couldn’t stab them. I’m not strong enough. Poison them to death? I didn’t know where to get anything like that. Set the apartment on fire while they slept? I’d burn too.”
“Then I remembered the sleeping pills. I’d saved more than a hundred. I looked up the medication in a medical reference book at the library.”
“A large dose causes deep sleep. Several hours out cold. Mixed with alcohol, it’s stronger.”
“I realized that was my opening. I’d put them under, tie them up, and then decide what came next.”
“Maybe I’d just call the police and let the law handle them. Or maybe I’d do something myself.”
“You prepared the cord and tape ahead of time?”
